Yeah… I know, November rain too, but less than December, at least for me.
As usual, this is the space where I say “get out of here!” unless you are someone who really knows me, or who doesn’t know me at all, why? oh, yah, just because this entry is one of those spaces where I write something really personal, that I really shouldn’t write here if I didn’t want to share it, but… ohh, what the hell, if you wanna have a really boring time, reading something ridiculous and cursi, keep reading this, why in English?… good question… I guess I just felt it would be easier to express myself this way.
2007, good year? bad year? does it really matter?, I think it was a good year, except for the end, and for the very simple fact of me getting older with even less idea of what I’ll do for me and my life than one year before. Is there anyway to fix it? I suppose there is, but I just don’t know what it is, or at least the idea that I have is not good enough.
The truth is that I’m just sitting here, today, the very 1st day of the 2008, at 1:50 am, writting this shit while I should be eating, drinking, having a great time surrounded by all the people I love, and those who love me, feeling like I had never felt before, or at least better than now, but I’m not. Here, home, it’s the first year it’s only us, mom, dad “my bro” and I… I say “my bro” because he doesn’t really matter, he’s outside with his friends or other people, but, I don’t know, it’s quite difficult to find myself just here, away from my cousins (who are always with me by this time of the years) and feeling this way, I guess I miss them while I feel that I hate them, or they are nothing to me (this doesn’t include Melo) when they are really something special, and I wanted to see them, and be happy as we were before, knowing we can’t, not now, not around all this situations happening there with us in between, and I feel lonely, I love my parents, but I feel lonely, I’m surrounded by the 2 most important people in my life, but I feel lonely, and I want to cry, and scream and I can’t at the same time, and it only makes me feel worse, and look back in time just to realize that I made nothing with my life the last year, and that I’m far away from getting to where I really want, or at least to the beginning, and I hate it! I hate my job! I hate a great part of my life because I feel like I’m not good enough for this, and that I have good ideas, and a lot of skills that are workless, and worthless… cause anyway I always do just nothing, and nothing means nothing but to think and think, and… think sometimes, and get distracted with other shit that should be less important, and… forget what I had thought before, and then I find myself lonely, looking around inside of me trying to find a way out and there’s just nothing, and I have to start all againg, as if I had never thought of nothing before, as if I were new, as if I had the energy, and the money, and the time to spend my hole life just thinking of that bullshit that I’ll never make, dreaming I will. And then there’s just me again, having dinner alone, but with my parents, with a lot of ideas spinning around in my head and in my world, thinking of everything I’ve lost, including my style. And thinking of the things I have now, those things that are never gonna make me but virtually happy, when I think of the friendships I have now but no one to go out to have a drink, when I think of the things that I’ve learned, but nothing to make my life better, I just feel bad, during my last day of vacation while it’s the first day of the year.
I thank to all around me, cause I know it is my fault that I feel this way, it’s just that I don’t know how I’ll make to fix it. I am broken, try to fix me while I write this shit senseless, having a bear while a tear goes down my right cheek and, knowing I have the most precious people around me, I just feel lonely, and a new year starts…
Esto me han ladrado